I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Randomize
