my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
