Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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