I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.