it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
