He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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