Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
