Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
