Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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