I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
