I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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