I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
