I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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