The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
