I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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