i just sent this text using only my big toe
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize