he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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