I'm drive I can fine osifer
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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