glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
