he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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