Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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