When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
