I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
