omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
