We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
