At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I'd wear matching sweaters with you
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
