We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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