i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
