if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
