its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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