new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
