While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
