By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
