The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
