I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
