piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
