I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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