He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
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