Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
