He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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