I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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