thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
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I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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