i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
apparently the secret to your success is patron
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
