If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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