Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
