last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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