At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
