I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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