my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Send help, water and tortillas.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
