i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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