when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
