theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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