Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
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