Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
