a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
