If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
lets start a swedish sibling band together
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
