Taylor Swift is so right about you.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
