we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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