I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
did i walk over a car last night?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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