He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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